Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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