Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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