the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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