All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.