the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
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My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
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He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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