my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
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Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND