I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
