Please, let me fuck your mom
the day after is always just damage control
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
