my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just found puke in my bra..
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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