I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
