I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
