it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
