I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
