i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
