Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Randomize
