oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
