1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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