So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
