Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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