Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
