One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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