i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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