I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
