all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
