I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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