Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
