Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
