google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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