I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
