Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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