I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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