I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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