Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
