I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
