Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i think im in europe. pls send help
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
