So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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