He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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