Ambien. No doubt about it.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
