dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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