Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
