I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
