Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i love accidental penises.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
