I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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