You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
