At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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