I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
