I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
