i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
