This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
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I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
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All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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