She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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