but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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