Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers