gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
