told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
