when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
