You're so nebulous sometimes
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
