I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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