We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
